And I love Harry
by Ashes of Stars
Summary: A saddened, bitter Sirius begins to find something, just a little spark of something, that stems from something he forgot. SBHP


_Disclaimers always apply._

I am distant, I am cold and I work only for myself.

"Hey Sirius!"

I keep my gazes away from everybody else in this world, the invaders of my house especially, and never will I open up as the cavern that is my mind has broken. I'm a collapsed being of hate, and self pity, moving in ways that only attract the darkest of beings. I night crawl, but I don't move, my body is but a farce.

"It's a nice warm day outside..."

I twitch at the words, the weather of no importance to me. My fatigue of undying nights fused with persistant sunshine aches and ails me. I want to wake up dead again, not moving, not thinking, not seeing or being. It was nice to feel that way, after so many years of mental torture that Azkaban brought.

"Do you want to go for a walk? Hermione and Ron invited me to the Burrow today, but I said I wanted to stay with you and chat for a bit. It seems such a long time since we have spoken..."

Harry's words fizzle out over me, and all the pity and remorse I have for him fades away in circular motion because my eyes meet his for the first time that day. It's only Harry who I will look at now, the only person who is not afraid of the truth I bear. The deal between us is I don't talk, I don't sing or dance or do any of those kinds of things anymore. And he pretends I do. I listen, when he talks, and he shuts up when he thinks he's said too much.

"I, um, am not seeing... I'm not seeing Colin anymore."

I only look at Harry, he is the only person that understands the fiery need to be somewhere else, but the dying need to stay where you are at the same time. I'm only here for him. I don't tie a rope around my neck and jump to hang, or slit my wrists with my cutting knife, because of him. I love him and he loves me, we need each other because this is peace on earth.

I feel rather sad that he doesn't have his partner anymore. I think it's time I gave him back more than he gives me, because Merlin knows I would go crazy without his voice filling in sporadic gaps in the silence. I wonder and ponder over everything I could do for him, and I only come to the conclusion that I could speak to him. But the words don't form on my tongue and the essence of speech collapses against me.

"He told me that it was best for me if he didn't lie to me anymore, and that it wasn't me it was him, and that he needed some space."

Poor Harry, whose words seems so defeated. I know how much Colin meant to him, and how lonely it must be to be twenty three and looking after a delapitated forty six year old man. Merlin, if only there was something I could do.

"I guess I'm not that sad, and that I don't really mind."

He kids himself. He want's to believe that he will be okay, but he wont with me and only me. I meet his gaze again and give him the best I can- a half smile that makes the right side of my mouth crook. I haven't said much since the veil was lifted and me and the other living souls were released. Most died on contact to the outside world, but for a reason unknown but speculated, I was free to walk and talk after such a long time in deathly inprisonment. I liked it there though. And, now I see the speculated reason as to why I'm alive on earth again, shining in Harry's eyes is the answer.

Power that rages beyond measurement consumes his soul, and here is his lifeblood and value: me. I see in his eyes the respect that I get for just being here now, and how he lives for me to live. Had I of died, all that hope and glory inside of Harry would have died too. It's like he's the voice and I'm the thinker, he's the living and I'm the dead, and we complete each others gaps and holes with deed of knowingness.

"I miss you Sirius." He states out of the blue, which startles me somewhat into my following actions.

He sits across from me on the sofa, and for the first time that day I leave my armchair and walk on shaky knees towards him. I pull him into a hug, and reassure him that there is nothing to miss, just by the action alone.

But theres movement, his hands on the clasp of my belt and then fast moving in desperation up my shirt and behind my neck to pull me into a kiss. I let him kiss me, but briefly.

"I can stand the not talking!" He cries, "But remember before you died when you managed to sneak into the dormatories at Hogwarts? That one maddening night of passion? We snuck to the Room of Requirement and you took me, and you made me love you? Do you not remember this? Because I do, and that was the Sirius I knew and I miss that."

I'm stunned and regardless of that fact, I cannot move. His words have shocked me, I surely had forgotten in the midst of all my sorrow. He and I cannot be though, we are not like that. I cannot betray his parents, or him for that matter and go throwing myself at pleasures of the flesh to try and cure this broken heart.

Still, the little bugger manages to undo my trousers and pull them down far enough that he can suck me into his mouth. The little spark of heaven I see at the quality touch makes me recall my deamons and chuck them away. Somehow he takes me upstairs, and were clotheless and willing, fucking like rabbits against his cotton sheets. I don't say anything, and I don't think I ever will. I still want to be dead, I don't want to think or know, grow old or become cenile. Those things happen to not matter right now, because my small, broken piece of the old Sirius has been shown to me again. And I love Harry, I really do.


End file.
